Your name isn’t really Wolf is it.
Oh but yes it is.
Why do you not include retouched shots with your package?
Because everyone has different needs. One client wants five retouched shots, another wants just one. A third wants all shots unretouched in high-resolution to take to a different retoucher. Obviously, I am the best, so this is madness, but it might be cheaper. I used to include two retouched shots with the session, and people would add one extra, or three, or ask not to have the retouches, but the unretouched shots instead. Same difference, the overall price is exactly the same.
I want colour and black&white shots.
And so you shall. I shoot in colour, and create a b/w version of it later. I automatically supply you with both.
Daylight or studio lights? Inside or outside?
I light you inside with a set-up that is modelled on being outside, because I really like the soft light you get in a street. I’ve got this set-up specifically so I don’t miss out if I can’t go outside. If it’s raining we stay inside. When you book me, you book inside shots, with the option of going outside if the weather plays ball (unless you prefer to stay inside anyway).
If your name really is Wolf, are you scary?
No, I’m lovely.
Hello. Another photographer is willing to see me sooner and for considerably less on account of my relatively high profile.
Quick, go to the other guy, and all three of us win.
Can I pout?
It’s not a make-over shoot. And it’s not an assisted selfie. So in general, the less you pout the better. But it’s your face. If you pout as you walk into a casting , then maybe you pout.
Great so you cannot stop me lol and I can smize?
You smize at your own peril.
I can’t afford it.
Steal it. But steal it from people who can’t fight back—ideally old people, but children will do. The problem with kids is, they remember and grow up, and learn karate, and then one day they’ll have a sepia-toned flashback, with music by Hans Zimmer and you’ll find yourself in terrible trouble. The advantage with old people is that half the time they don’t even remember their own names. And anyway, who cares whether your grandmother cannot pay the heating bill? This is your career we’re talking about! Great headshots mean you’ll definitely become famous. What’s better than being famous? That’s what got you into this whole thing, right? People will line the streets to throw rose petals in your path and stroke your ear lobes with lotus blossoms. And then you can make a televised visit to your grandmother’s council flat, apologise for raiding her cookie jar, wrap her in a fleece blanket, give her a Brexit-sized Toblerone, and together, you can watch that episode of Game of Thrones where you appear for three seconds before you get accidentally eaten by a dragon.
Is there a student discount?
Yes, if you’re a full-time drama student at an accredited UK drama school.
Are there any other discounts?
I’m sorry, there are no other discounts.
I don’t know whether I’m a student.
You don’t qualify as a student if you take the odd acting class. You are not a student if you will go to drama school next year, or if you’ve already graduated. You are a student if your main activity is to study acting at a drama school. This means you have a student card unless your dog has eaten it. If you can get a student ticket at the cinema, you are probably a student. If you studied last year, but now you’ve graduated and you still have your student card, which you use to get a discount at the cinema, then you’re smart little cookie, but a student you are not.
Any other discounts?
That’s blatant student favouritism.
Students are amazing.
What if I say I study at the university of life?
My dad says I must always haggle.
Does your dad haggle when he buys petrol, or milk. Or red hot kitchen? Don’t haggle with me. I am milk, I am red hot kitchen.
What the heck is ‘red hot kitchen’?
Ask your dad.
Can you recommend a lab for prints?
Visualeyes do excellent quality prints.
How long will the session take?
Anything up to three hours if you book a full three hour session. Two hours, if you book two. We have time, but you can be out in an hour if you wish.
How long is the two-hour session?
(Honestly, someone asked.)
May I bring my mother/my body-guard?
We work alone, but I am very happy for them to deliver you to my door and take a good look at me to make sure I had breakfast. Then they have to go and sit in a café and read Horse and Hound. Meanwhile, you and I can focus on the session without distractions. This is entirely in your interest. Even your best friend, with the best intentions will diffuse your focus.
But I’m under 18, my mother has to come with me.
I am really sorry, but your mother has to go with you to another photographer. Strictly no one under the age of 18.
Real photographers have testimonials on their website.
I’m an unreal photographer. If you want a testimonial, check my gallery, look for someone you know and ask them.
Do you howl at the moon?
The moon howls at me.
I hate being photographed.
Pretty much everyone who comes to my studio does. That wasn’t the deal, was it! You became an actor so you can be other people… but then, every year or so, you have to go to some guy with a stupid name and be yourself. Well, here’s a secret: It’s OK to be nervous. You also get nerves before you go on stage. It’s OK. It’s an energy. It frizzles away into the edges of the cosmos, where it rattles the bars of the pan-galactic cage with white-knuckled hands.
You got me a little worried now. All this nervous actor energy frizzling away… isn’t there a danger it will wear out the edges of the cosmos and break the cage? Should I change career?
No! You must keep going. We’ve got to get out of this cage, and you are our only hope.
I suddenly just want to go to Spain and grow vegetables.
That is why it must be you!
So you don’t have testimonials. OK. But you also don’t state that you’re a “professional” photographer with “years of experience”, and you don’t actually promise to capture “the real me”.
Do you talk in your sleep?
All the time, it’s terrible!
I bet you couldn’t take a meaningful headshot of a cat.
Funny you should ask. Take a look at this handsome fella. He said he enjoyed the experience with me, and he’s even planning to come back for some more just as soon as he found himself an agent.
If you talk in your sleep, don’t you wake yourself up?
Absolutely I do. I wake up saying words like “Shnizelfloomens” and nobody is any the wiser, least of all me. Two years ago I woke myself up laughing, though I could not remember what I dreamt. These days apparently I mostly sing contently to myself.
Can you snapchat my face in the retouch so it looks like Kim Kardashian’s behind/ Michael Fassbender / the way I looked ten years ago?
Someone told me this story: An actor walks into a casting. Silence. The casting director looks at his headshot. Then he looks up and says: “What did you do with your much better looking younger brother?”
I will zap any blemishes on the computer. Anything that’s not permanent goes in the retouch. Everything else, I would suggest, stays.
I have several more Wolf questions.
Fabulous. Save them for when you come to my studio. Otherwise we won’t have anything to say to each other, and we’ll spend hours in awkward silence as I take your headshots with you looking sullen and austere.
Sounds like a plan. So when I’m there can I ask you again whether you are really called ‘Wolf’? Because, I mean, in this FAQ, you’re just brushing it off, but when we’re face to face and I ask you, you’ll have to admit that a) nobody can honestly be called ‘Wolf’, and b) you’re really called ‘Kevin’.
If you ask me again, I will give you the truthful answer which is: ‘Yes, I am really called Wolf.’ I will smile amicably, but then I will ring a bell, and a butler will come carrying a tray with an enormous lemon on it. You will then have to eat the entire lemon before we can take any further pictures.
When you don’t do headshots, what do you do with yourself?
Every morning, I look in the mirror, show my teeth, and growl. Then I say: “Who’s the Wolf then, eh, who’s the Wolf!?” In the evening, I look in the mirror again and marvel at how working all day makes me look younger and more handsome. I hold a little jar against my temple and try and bottle up ‘essence of lupine thinking’. This I sell to gullible French tourists.
I can keep myself endlessly amused like that. But when I run out of things to say to myself, I write, and I play the piano. When I get tired of writing and playing the piano, I withdraw to my secret command centre and plot world-domination.
My older brother just told me there’s an animal called ‘wolf’. Were you named after this ‘wolf’ animal?
LOL you just silly now.
I asked my dad about the red hot kitchen thing and now he’s in the garage listening to some old album and it’s really embarrassing.
He your dad.